Parenting children with yoga, buddhism and natural therapies. 3.

Buddhism is something anybody, anywhere from any background can practice at any time of their day.  It is not something only the rich and famous can dabble in or just for those with an affiliation with the religion or just for alternative/hippie types.  It is just a way of being, feeling and seeing the world, whatever your god/goddess.  Have you ever heard the saying, “don’t sweat the small stuff”, well that is a large part of Buddhist thinking.  Buddha means “awakened one”.  ‘Engaged Buddhism’ is a principle that everyone can apply into their lives to be more effective parents and individuals with a basis of compassion and wisdom.  It means to elicit action based on awareness in everything we do (Thich Nhat Hanh, Vietnam).  With the potential of gaining greater awareness of our inner self and Buddhism as an ‘attitude’ we can evolve into more mindful, skilful, open hearted parent.

Yoga is a set of practices, rather than beliefs.  When practised through asanas (postures) breath work (pranayama) and meditation/relaxation (savasana) and living the yoga ‘attitude’ in daily life you can discover a more harmonious, peaceful and contented lifestyle.

Meditation

 Meditation can also be called; contemplation, prayer, even if it is only on the toilet or doing the dishes in silence.  This is your quiet time to focus your breath and go deeper into your own silence.  This time helps me to deal with the hectic external world.  To look within yourself to find your own answers to the questions you have.  Within you and in silence you can visit your true self.  It is really not that hard, complex or strange once you start for just a couple of minutes a day.  You will feel calm, focused and I promise you, everyone around you will benefit too.

This book also encompasses ‘Universal Laws’ as they apply to our parenting and lifestyle choices.  Allow truth to arise within yourself, to heal, then you can go about healing your loved ones.  The divine within you knows how to heal.  As human beings we have free will, ask for help through prayer (meditation) if needed and then trust that you will receive it by the act of asking. 

New discoveries in consciousness of the human mind.

 Learn about Quantum Physics.

We all evolved from the stars and we are all connected, including all organisms or creatures.  This is no longer a bizarre new age idea, it is what quantum physicists have found.  All living creatures have cells and are all connected at a base level that we never realised before. Learning more about this as parents and a family we can better care for each other and all living creatures with compassion as we understand that at a cellular level we are all interconnected and the benefits will be universal.

These recent findings relate to what Buddhist philosophers have always advocated. 

 

• Chapter 1: Birth to 2yrs.

Developmental tasks at this stage.

Bowlby- attachment theory.

John Bowlby (1907-1990)  was a psychoanalyst that found many mental health issues could be related back to events of children’s lives occurring in their early childhood.  He theorised that children come into the world with a biological need to form attachments with others to help them survive.  This is usually the parents and it is vital that a bond occurs with a (or a few) primary care-givers in order to avoid later issues with relationships, trust and mental health in adult life.  Children in early childhood learn from their primary caregiver important social and emotional behaviours, which becomes part of their internal self.  These are: earning to trust others.  Feeling valuable and feeling effective in being interactive with others.

 

Effective Social Functioning can result from a connection with someone in a positive way taking place.  We know how to regulate our own feelings.  We can relate these feelings to others (including all living creatures) and better understand others and feel empathy. ( Bowlby.J. (1980). Attachment and Loss Vol 1, 2 and 3. New York: Basic Books.)

 

• Related Buddhist theory: Avairsvarya, attachment.

Attachment as it relates to Buddhist theory means not wanting to be separated from someone or something, which at first appears to be something to be avoided in Buddhist teachings as it can lead to suffering.  This sounds like the Western notion of co-dependency to me, which is also seen as negative to our well-being as a confident individual.  In his essay,  Attachment and Non-attachment: Attachment Theory and Buddhism, Nobo Komagato  suggests , on the relationship of both theories, that these terms are related, ‘but there is no contradiction between these approaches.’  The term ‘attachment’ in Buddhism actually refers to ‘craving’ which is a desire to cling or obsess to someone or something, which is not what the attachment theory hypothesises, as Bowlby advocates that a secure attachment is something that is lovingly desired by a child and parent innately and isn’t obsessive.  In which case it can be interpreted as ‘non-craving’ rather than non-attachment.  Furthermore, recent developments in neuroscience has shown people who are experienced mindfulness meditators have the same part of their brain activated as do people who form secure attachments.  Therefore both secure attachment and internal attachment can strengthen mindfulness in people who practice both.  (Nobo Komagato, accessed 19/02/15 http://nobo.komagato.net/pub/Komagata09-Xtachment.html).

 

Depression and anxiety (Post Natal Depression)

 Each child brought on post natal depression for me.  There were however different circumstances which brought about a buffer to more severe episodes than for others.  I worked with each situation as best I could and sought to overcome my depression in naturally healing ways, along with medical and community supports.

Depression and anxiety are debilitating and potentially serious illnesses that can affect anyone, any time.  More than 3 million Australians live with anxiety and depression.  Medical treatments only going part the way in helping to cope with these illnesses and you can’t just phone a friend and bring yourself out of it (although social isolation can play a part).

Understanding the way you feel and being aware of it is half the battle.  I also found this understanding of Buddhism at this time helpful:

Be realistic in your thinking

Nothing lasts. Everything is impermanent. (Buddhism). The moment will pass, the 'stage' your child is in will pass. Keep an open mind and treat our children with kindness and compassion and consistency they are more likely to develop internal control. The moods we feel in different times in parenthood will also pass. We can think negative feelings can last forever when we are depressed at times as a parent, we can 'catastrophize' our moment, our troubles (eg. Make a mountain out of a mole hill, become a drama queen), rather than seeing it as a time to learn and suffering can help us move forward to higher ground. 

Tool-box of ideas to help yourself:

• Ask for help when needed.
• Seek medical and community assistance.
• Seek natural health guidance eg. nutrition, physical fitness, mental care and guidance.  Relaxation techniques.
• Don’t suffer in silence, make social connections.
• Don’t berate yourself for how you feel.  You can’t help the way you feel sometimes at this stage, due to the hormonal and mental changes in your body taking place.
• Be kind to yourself.
• Use aromatherapy to calm yourself and your baby.  For example; put a drop of Lavender on your shoulder and rock the baby to sleep as they rest on your shoulder. 
• Practice breathing and relaxation techniques through yoga.
• Try ‘not to sweat the small stuff.’  ‘Let it go’, through meditation.
• Take magnesium to help with learning, memory and bodily aches and pains.

 

Tool-box of ideas for your child:

Help children to regulate their feelings at this age.  Help them deal with failures (they are part of life) and without them we cannot learn and move forward. Praise directly and specifically their successes and positive behaviours.  Assist them with compassion and work through their difficult behaviours together.

• As they get older label feelings with them,  “I can see you are sad, show me what’s the matter.”
• Breathe with them and role model slowing down our breath to help them learn to self-regulate their emotions.
•  Work at solving problems together.  Ask them how a problem can be solved or what they could have done instead.  Review how that went if it starts to happen again and repeat, pointing out how the strategy worked before.
•  Later do some yoga. Hold a crystal together and make affirmations.  Use aromatherapy.  Massage.  Relaxation or meditation CD.
• Tell them “you love them, but just not their behaviour.”  Forgive yourself if you get it wrong (maybe not listening attentively or losing your cool) and say sorry when you have to. 

Chapter 2:  2yrs to 6yrs:

Developmental tasks at this stage:

Autonomy vs self-doubt:  is about learning to become independent in a safe and encouraging environment.  If you allow children to make choices where they can be made, allow them to try to do things for themselves before jumping in and letting them take considered risks in a safe way, then they will grow to have a better self-esteem and ‘I can do it’ attitude.  They can also learn to take considered risks, be independent and not be easily led.  (Autonomy vs self-doubt- Piaget). 

 

Egocentrism:  Child development theory.  A term coined by Piaget (1976) who was a biologist.  His views have been enormously influential in educational theory.  Egocentrism is important for parents to understand as it can explain some reactions that children have that the everyday parent cannot see any reason behind.  Egocentrism is when children believe, “I am the centre of my universe” and everything should revolve around them.  This is evident at this stage of a child’s development and doesn’t mean they will end up self- centred, egotistical tyrants.  They just have an inability at this stage to sometimes see the world as someone else does and adapt to it.  Not moral ‘selfishness’ but just an early stage of psychological development. 

 

How to help your child.

Tool box of ideas:

 

Tell them how proud they should be of themselves, not just for altruistic reasons but for themselves.  This can assist them in building intrinsic motivation, which means they will more likely do things for themselves and to make themselves feel happy, rather than trying to please others or always get a reward.  This can encourage later goal setting and a love of learning later at school, as they learn how to be curious about the world and take part in it energetically and feel their own sense of control over their environment.  (Bruner, 1962).

 

 

Between 2-6yrs your child is probably at the stage of waking every night, so in actual fact, you are ‘literally’ the ‘awakened one’, not in the metaphysical self, but in the physical.

Sleeping problems: 

 

Crystals

Children feel a great affinity with nature and crystals are a key element of our natural world.  They can play a role in assisting children in their physical, emotional and spiritual healing.  Crystals are filled with energy and are conduits of energy. They can direct, amplify and accelerate energy patterns.  You can also hold onto certain ones as you make your affirmations for yourself and with your children or for your children.  Some medical practitioners see the benefits in crystals as a tool for relaxation and to reduce anxiety.

 

My son when he was little was drawn to gemstones and crystals and began a collection of them at a young age. Although I wasn’t aware of their healing powers back then (he is now 21yrs old), but I noticed the natural gravitation he had towards them and encouraged it.

Gemstones and crystals have been used for more than 5,000 years in China, India and other ancient cultures.  As a parent you can research different gemstones and crystals which can specially support children with various issues and challenges.  Note which ones your child is naturally drawn too.  Charoite and Amber- aids with insomnia and difficulty settling into sleep. ( Note: never leave a crystal in a young child’s bed due to possibility of choking hazard.  Put it somewhere nearby but out of reach).

 

Aromatherapy

Lavender is a good choice for relaxation.  However, not a good choice if your child suffers from hay-fever as lavender could irritate their sinuses.  Roman chamomile is a good choice for small children.  It is best to add the essential oils to a tissue and rest it nearby or use a scented eye pillow.  You can also use them in the bath before bed.  (Note: be sure to keep the bottles of essential oils away from the children). 

 

 Calm parenting and consistency at bed-time. 

Consistency in bedtime rituals, where possible, is very important at this stage.  For example we always strived for, ‘bath, bed, story then sleep every night when our children were this age. 

Babies and children respond well to relaxing music to soothe them to sleep (we all know this) but did you know what it actually does?  Relaxing music reduces the activity of the nervous system resulting in decreased heart rate, slower breathing and lower blood pressure much like a state of meditation.  Music can be a great, ‘sleep medicine’ for you and your child at any age (Retrieved 2015 www.Time For wellness.org, Original article care of Benjamin Brown, ND. C2014. ).  A good sleep assists brain development and clearness of thought, which in turn can support better behaviour in your children.

 

Introduce your child to yoga.

Importance of good posture for the skeletal system, flexibility and agility for young growing bodies through yoga.  By using the body in this way the nervous system, the endocrine system and the metaphysical system work together.  ‘The pineal, which is a tiny gland in the brain is closely linked to the ajna chakra, the seat of wisdom and intuition.’  (Shanti Gowan, 2007).  This is referred to as the Third Eye Chakra associated with psychic powers, higher intuition.  Yoga helps children tune into their bodies both physically and mentally.