Emotional intelligence for parents and children

Yogamotorskills Ashdown/Maclay yogamotorskills@gmail.com Emotional Intelligence for your family.

Stress often leads to depression, anxiety or anger.  Emotions are really ‘ok’ to feel, it is just ‘how’ we deal with them that is important and learning to express them appropriately. 

When young children are asked what makes them happy I find the most common responses to be: Friends, family, pets, hobbies like surfing, sports and reaching goals and last, but not least, a happy home. Added to these were: Listening to favourite music, dancing.  Occasional food treats. These uncomplicated activities and lifestyles are very close to many adult’s views on what makes them happy also.  Let’s not over-complicate the society we live in and strive to meet these needs.

In addition, think about how well does distraction work for you? What are the favourite activities you turn to for distraction, and do you move on from them feeling more or less relaxed, and more or less connected with life? 

Teach our children that stress can also be a positive challenge, not a threat. Wait before acting, think about it, the task at hand and use your stress response wisely to get motivated and meet your tasks and solve problems. 

Toxic stress can make us fat as we all know we can eat more and seek sugar when we are stressed. It’s the appeal of instant gratification, like getting that ‘like’ on facebook, we fill ourselves with a ‘feel good’ sugar hit. Try to imagine a better version of yourself and what it looks like and share this idea with your children if they are overweight and unhappy.

Try instead as a parent to put a label on the emotion you are feeling in a situation and role model this to children. Tell your children when you are feeling these emotions so they do not automatically follow any negative emotions and take on your emotions as their own, as can often happen with sensitive children. 

You can easily make assumptions about the feelings of others by wrongly reading their facial expressions.  Try to be present when talking to people and think about what might be going on for them, rather than assuming you know how their feeling or why they may be behaving in a certain way. 

Bring curiosity to your emotions and observe them, rather than reacting before thinking and observing what is truly going on for you and where it may be coming from.  Do you feel threatened in a situation? I don't mean physically, but personally, emotionally. Once you have taken the time to process the situation, then you can react from a less agitated state (which we have learnt to use to protect ourselves from threats in bygone days as a human race). Acting more calmly in discussions and situations with your children can improve your relationships,  as others will react less defensively and your children may actually listen.   Ask yourself: 'do you want peace of mind or conflict?'

Think about your family as you grew up. How did they deal with conflict? Were they able to express their emotions?

Life will always be filled with challenges, highs and lows. We need to look at them with a different perspective and mindfulness can help. By being in the present moment and not dwelling on the time that has passed or worrying about the future, we can then allow our minds to accept what has happened and not respond in repetitive ways that we have learnt. 

We can get stuck in 'automatic pilot mode' and react to situations the same way every time, never trying anything different and we distract our minds from being present with alcohol, technology, food, work, whatever works to take our mind away from how we really feel in the present moment.

Mindfulness and meditation works over time because our brains actually start to change and the hardwiring of our nervous systems takes on the process of mindfulness as a new system to tap into. 

Often people get into a negative loop of thinking that just goes around and around and nothing that they change around them will fix this way of thinking that they are set in.  They can move house, change jobs, change partners and still feel unhappy.

Find greater courage, clarity and insight within yourself through daily mindfulness sessions or up to 20 minutes of meditation. 

Learn that being bored is good for you and

multi -tasking is not.

Being attuned to our feelings, in tune with our bodies, reflecting on our values, aspirations, goals. Knowing our strengths and weaknesses. These are the skills future generations will need in emotional intelligence to succeed. Enhancing their interpersonal skills, teamwork ability and communication skills can never start too early. Yoga, mindfulness and life coaching education can help adults and young adults develop these skills and give them tools for lifelong learning and emotional peace.  Ease of connection with themselves and other people will then come and treating everyone with love, compassion and kindness. 

‘The calm man is not the man that is dull. Just perfectly unselfish. No thirst for gain or fame’ Iyengar.

Iyengar, ‘Light on yoga’, continues with; Unhappiness comes from the inability to distinguish between our own true self and our mind. Our mind is often fluctuating and over acting.  See the role of each and separate them.  'The 'self' is within you that you can see and tap into and the external that is seen is the mind in action. Control your mind and your 'self' will benefit.  Prevent future suffering by forgiving yourself for past mistakes, not being too critical of yourself as holding onto these thoughts can only serve to make you feel more miserable in your own suffering. 

Those that have found who they truly are and are comfortable with themselves show as ease of connection with themselves and other people.
Yoga, in conjunction with therapy, inspirational texts, and other natural approaches to well-being can facilitate healing for all of us. (Sangeeta Vallabhan).

Spirituality is not some external goal that one must seek but a part of the divine core of each of us, which we must reveal (Iyendar, Light on Life). We need sound bodies so we can develop sound minds. Mantras: "I have access to infinite potential."

"Everything is a teaching for me." "I am being guided, protected, and inspired every moment." 

What do you want to harbour; resentment or love? What do you want to find; peace or conflict of mind? Yoga helps you decide. 

 Next time you see the big M sign for McDonald's- think: take a minute for some 'mindfulness.' Mindfulness coach.com.au. 

Start your process of positive change with support and compassion for yourself on your journey.

Find your true self. Feel more balanced and centred. Work through your inner energy systems and work on those that need support. 

Try these yoga poses to help:

Chakra- root balancing poses

Tadasana- Mountain pose

Warrior one, visualise the strong, grounding colour of red going through your body.

Bridge pose 

Standing forward bend (Uttanasana)

Tree pose

Boat pose

Revolved powerful/chair pose.

Heart chakra

Camel pose

Throat chakra 

Supported shoulder stand.

Easy pose 

Third eye chakra

Savasana – rest in ‘corpse pose’ with deep breathing.

Mantra or Affirmation: ' I am safe, I am grounded and I trust that the universe has a solid plan for me.'

‘I have access to infinite potential.’

‘Everything is a teaching for me. I am being guided, protected, and inspired every moment.'

Contemplate balance:

Balance of your body.

Balance of your mind

Balance in spirituality. 

Mindfulness activities to help: 

Living in the present moment

Noticing beauty around us in nature

Noticing contented happy moments in life. 

Deeply listening to someone talking and paying attention to them. 

Being mindful of our thoughts and feelings before we act. 

Doing a random act of kindness.

Recently I was struggling to eat prawns gracefully on a day cruise and a lady nearby got up without saying a word and found me a bowl of water, fork and napkin. Later I had no cash to pay for my ferry fair and another lady offered me the $3.00 fair. 

Final tips: Find mindfulness and the feeling of living in the present moment. Do away with negativity and bring in positive energy. Build your self-esteem and courage. Stop pretending to the world that which you are not. Become less judgemental and more forgiving. Find your purpose and serve others. Practice gratitude. Learn to observe your thoughts and begin taking control of your mind. Feel compassion for others no matter what they say or do to aggravate you, ‘dodge the arrows' thrown at you.' Be around people that, ' zap you’ and don't ‘Sap you' of all your goodness and positive energy. It's all up to you. Make the change happen within your body, mind and soul. Stay on the path to your own enlightenment. It's there for you, it needs commitment and time, but it can be found. It doesn't need fancy, 'out there' promises and stories, but instead an analytical mind to find what suits you and your family. Make a positive intention and commitment to be willing to heal yourself in your own time with your own reality and positive belief system.

Self- development requires an open mind and respect for where these philosophies and tips evolved from and how they have helped so many find a healthier, happier path with good morals and a positive outlook. 

Thinking 'why me?' Just leads to more misery. Pausing to breathe then thinking, what now? With compassion for yourself and others will lead to a better path. Have faith. 

Self- centred acts produce misery.

Protecting ourselves from any challenge to our happiness by dwelling on ourselves and our perceived notions of outside disturbances causing our suffering, which may or may not really exist, but in our minds. Altruistic motivated actions work better if we are to stop the cycle of searching for happiness and creating more suffering by self-centred behaviour. (Dalai Lama)

Messages you received about communicating and your self- esteem often came from your family environment and the community where you lived as a child.

Once you realise this you can make the changes within yourself that you need to. 

What if we read our experience of life from a different viewpoint? Are our senses, thoughts, and emotions real simply because we experience them? When you cannot hold the body still, you cannot hold the mind still. When you can control your breathe you can also control your mind. (Iyendar, Light on Life). Integrating your mind and body with self-awareness without self-consciousness and letting go of perfection which can end up in ‘paralysis’ (Wayne Dyer). It's the silence between the notes that makes the music.  No such thing as failure, just results. It's what you do with the results that counts. Being against something disempowers you, being for something empowers you.  One of the most important things you can do as an adult is think and do more like a child. Take risks, live and be yourself. Tell yourself the ‘Door of complaints is shut today

you‘ ll have to walk to the solutions desk

and start listening to yourself’ (Wayne Dyer) or another quote from Wayne Dyer I love is, ‘the elevator to success is broken today, you will have to take the steps one step at a time.’ A message to ourselves to take time-out from continually working towards our goals without taking a moment to see how far we have already come or enjoying the present moments more.  Young teenagers express that their biggest worry is exams.  Les not put pressure on our children regarding final exams.  There are many pathways to success outside of final exam results. Ease stress: get enough sleep, eat properly and support healthy emotional intelligence first.

Yoga wisdom to help bring peace whilst studying.  Not over emphasising an all or nothing attitude to exam results, but a healthy balance of commitment to study and too much stress.

The first of 195 sutras: (Patanjali's yoga sutras.) 

1.14 commitment over time to learn that which you require to reach your goal for a long time. Nothing comes easy, study hard, put in the effort and rewards will come.

Believe in what you are doing to make it meaningful for yourself.

Look forward to what you are doing in society and find the joy in everything you choose to do or have to do. 

Approach each endeavour with an attitude of service. Even if that means that as a parent you get enough sleep and 'you' time to recharge to be of better service to your children.

Live without fear and nothing externally needed to make us happy. 

Realise who you truly are. Listen to Mother Nature and yourself in silence. Then move forward with peace in your heart and be unchanged by your outside influences. Be truly in the present moment. This all comes to those who continue with commitment their emotional health and if you choose, your ‘yoga path’. 

References

Iyengar, B.K.S. Light on Life: The yoga Journey to wholeness, Inner Peace and Ultimate Freedom,  2005.

Dyer, W. The Essential Wayne Dyer Collection. 2013. Hay House. Com

Vallabhan S. (writer) Yoga Journal. (Assessed 2015).