Chapter 11- 1st generation-life with family domestic violence 1950's chapt. 9 My mother's story.

My brother and I played out on the street alot and my dad used to whistle at night at about 6pm to get us to come home. my mum and dad both worked every weekend at the Manly Fun Pier in Manly, Sydney. They would be there long hours and I would be taken in a basket when I was a baby and sit with mum in the ticket box. When I was older I went on the rides and to the beach and joined Manly swimming club. My parents would get home about 10pm at night and I would have done some housework for them and cooked my own dinner from the age of about 12yrs old. The atmosphere in the house was often very bad. During the week my dad would go to the pub every night and drink six to 10 beers in a sitting then come home. He was consistently drunk and came home in a really bad mood. My mother would sometimes nag him and he would get angry. My father lost his temper on many occasions. He was always very aggressive towards my brother who didnt like to retaliate. All I ever remember is my father shouting at my brother, "are you man or mouse!" At about 15yrs my brother defended himself in a fight and my dad put his fist through the wall. My mother would often faint on the floor after these episodes. My brother and I did not bring many friends home. I spent a lot of time in my bedroom looking out over the little creek outside my window with my little transistor radio up high so I couldn't hear the arguing. One time my father came home and the dinner knife was not straight on the table so he lost his temper and was saying my mother was slovenly and ripped the whole tablecloth off the table and smashed everything. My brother had a girlfriend and she fell pregnant at 19. My mother gave them Johns bedroom to sleep in for 6 months but it didnt work out as my mother and my brothers girlfriend didn't get on. So my brother and then wife left home at about 20. My father moved immediately into my brothers bedroom. The arguing continued and got worse through my teenage years. The arguing was so bad sometimes that I would go and sit out on the back steps. When I got a boyfriend we would sit out on back step and wait till the arguing died down so we could go out. My mother slept with a hammer underneath her pillow. One night I came home and my mother's nose was broken and she had black eyes. She never called the police and we were never allowed to let any of the family or friends and neighbours know what was going on. I ran around and shut all the windows so nobody would hear. My mother would tell people she had walked into a door or something to explain bruises. At 15yrs I went to live at my uncle Daves house and asked my mum to join me, but she replied, "who will make your dads lunches?' I stayed there for about three months and my mother rang me every day pleading me to come home. Eventually I came home.

Part 2 - yoga for trauma/anxiety- teens

Anxiety buster activities Where do you notice stress in your physical body? Are you in the present moment? Do you practice mindfulness to disengage from the story-line you are telling yourself? If stress is there we look at problems with greater influence and narrow mildly. We fix our thoughts and usually hold onto a limited perspective of what is happening. Ideas: reduce stress with regular physical exercise: walking, jogging and yoga postures. Daily mindfulness/ meditation practice. For example; a 10 minute breathing exercise. There are many good apps. available to guide you. If distracted - simply label the emotion/thought, then return to the focus of your breath. Notice any process of 'reactivity' to what is going on around you. Write a list: What's happening? My reaction. (include bodily sensations). When reactions happen: what are your choices? Re-connect to your breath. If your feeling stressed your front thinking part of your brain is affected. You are unable to think clearly. Don't let old memories cloud your responses to experience in the present. Remember we are hard-wired to remember the bad, the fears as this was necessary for humans to survive. Guiding principle of trauma sensitive yoga is giving back a sense of power and control to the survivor. Mountain Pose Meditation: Mountain pose feel feet on the floor. Neck rolls and choices Taking effective action- moving for comfort. Neck rolls for choices. Notice you have total control over what you are doing with your body. Shoulder rolls. Small or bigger movements. Creating interpersonal rhythms. Raising hands with breaths and then lowering. 54321 then release. Practice this instead. Ratio breathing or belly breathing. Rock forward and back and side to side then centre. Tree pose Sweeping arms out and over from mountain. Seated forward fold.

yoga for kids to teens, including treating trauma and anxiety.

Yoga involves a lot more than just the asanas- yoga postures. In my yoga classes I try to pass on ‘The eight limbs of yoga’ within the classes. The first limb is the set of Yamas and Niyamas- five observances to follow within our lives to gain more contentment and less attachment to our worries and other people. The first one being- Ahimsa: non-violence: being kind to others even if they are not kind to you. Which is harder then we think sometimes, but worth trying, as then we can see that everyone involved is less stressed if we take this action. Being kind to ourselves is something that can be followed within our yoga asana practice also. This would be by way of listening to our bodies and not over straining them to create the perfect pose (which in actual fact doesn't exist, as the perfect pose is what is what feels perfect to us within our own body. 'Himsa' is being kind, so if we treat our body as our 'temple' to cherish and care for, then we can also be more patient with ourselves and kind to our bodies as well as our inner self.Making our body our friend again is important in healing trauma. Feeling comfortable in our body and knowing we are safe and that we are in control again. The second Yama is Truthfulness. Third is 'non-stealing'. Your body is your sacred vehicle which takes you through life and we should treat it with respect by taking care of it. we don't need o obsess over it either, because that is when we loose touch of our true self.What lies beneath your outer shell and your thoughts is truly who you are. Your pure essence as you were when you were born, not tated by outside past and present influences and experiences. The fourth is 'honouring your body'. The fifth is 'non-greediness'. Even in the under 5's to teens we can mention these observances, for example; being kind, 'himsa', acting without judgement of others, sharing equipment, being respectful, helping to pack up. Did you know that the Sun Salutation is usually done with your eyes closed? This is not necessary when you first start, however over time you may find yourself doing this naturally, as it becomes a moving meditation. This traditional way must help you see that yoga is not about comparing yourself to others.Your breath and your mind are closely working together. Mental healing and physical healing can take place simultaneously. When your eyes are closed you can use a mantra like, 'so-ham' to focus your mind or count your breaths. ‘Perfection’ can be paralysing, particularly for teens, giving up and stopping them from even starting a task Again they learn from you. Do you worry over every tiny detail at work or home? Teach them to take scheduled breaks and reward themselves for completing a task. I remember in primary school I had almost no pages left in my exercise books because I'd ripped so many out due to my perfectionism. Come year 12 and I was burnt out and didn't sit my Yr. 12 exams, incase I failed! I was still awarded a pass though as the teachers thought I deserved something for all my hard work. I later went back to mature age learning. Kindness, persistence, humility and honesty are just as important as academic skills. Do you talk negatively about your own school experience to your children? Less efficient and effective learning takes place when we are multi-tasking. Encourage focus rather than multi-tasking. Do you often multi-task yourself? Be a good role-model for your child and help them to focus. Overcoming peer 'meanness' is important. If you shield him/her from trying to overcome these things teens won't be learning important life skills, including how to resolve conflict. Encourage pre-teens and teens to feel empathy for 'mean' girls, as there is usually a reason in their background that has made them behave the way they are behaving. Teach your teen to stand strong, show strength in their confidence in themselves to not be affected by another's behaviour. Top tips to help your child: #Encourage open communication with you as the parent and help them come up with their own solutions to problems. #Help them to move on eventually from the 'clique stage' to including and meeting new friends anywhere and anytime. #Encourage both close and casual friends. Not to limit herself to one friend. #Encourage her/him to be around friends who build her up and don't try to tear her down. #Be a good listener and explain to her that her friendship dilemmas should diminish (hopefully) as she gets older. #Help them to recognise the difference between a 'bitchy' gossiping clique and a more positive one, but don't try to force her to change her friends as she may then want to hang out with them more. #Subtle observations of her friends comes across better than belittling for them so the teen has to defend them. #Get to know the parents of your child's peer group. #Social connectedness and peer group acceptance is important to developing resilience. This can happen either in school or in the outside community. Both is even better. #Having at least one friend in a peer group that they can be honest and open with, helps your teen. #A sense of acceptance and belonging is the number one resilience building factor in your child's social and moral development. #Choose a school that supports psycho-social and emotional well-being as much as academic prowess. Kindness, persistence, humility and honesty are just as important as academic skills. #Try a loving, kindness affirmation with your child: - ‘May I be kind, may I be happy, may I feel at ease with my peers.’encourage them to use affirmations often to create a positive mind-set. Exercises: Mirror breathing exercises Mirror stretch exercises with them. This helps students reconnect with themselves, you as a parent and maybe a sibling. Counting the breath up to five or back from five can help children experience time and presence more clearly and see the beginning and end of a practice. As in life, we can more forward to something else without looking back or getting stuck in a posture or a thought. Reframe the behaviour- for young children. A good out-line is conveyed in the ‘Cognitive principle matrix’ of this suggestion. Relate back to and find the possible stressors, unmet needs or skills deficits that the child may be acting out because of. Read and relate to yoga- suffering and fear. Kleshas- considered in yoga philosophy as the root cause of all our suffering. (Pantanajali's yoga sutras). 1. Avidya - ignorance When we are ignorant of our true nature we experience pain and suffering. This is the part of you deep down that is always loving, peaceful and unchanging. 2. Asmata- egoism When we forget our true nature we overly identify with the concept of 'I, me and mine'. We forget that our energies are all connected and can also take things too personally and put ourselves done. 3. Raga- attachments Strong attachment to our desires. Let go of the attachment to desire things, rather have goals to work towards, which is healthier than having an obsession or perfectionism. 4. Dvesa- Aversions Letting ourselves be controlled by our desires means if they are not met then we can turn away from them and develop aversions towards them. Fear- (relates to cognitive matrix) If above ways of being are taking place we can then start to feel fear of change. If we eliminate the first Klesha, ignorance we can then dissolve all the other afflictions. If we meditate and do yoga with focus on our true nature, then there is no room for all of the above. Daily rituals of mindfulness and meditation can help. Affirmations starting with 'I am .........' ‘I am love. I am peaceful.’ This advice does not heal trauma from physical pain- tissues, bones. Here it relates to suffering of your inner self, your soul. Although you can hang onto pain in your body after the trauma, which can also be a sauce of on-going suffering relating to your true self and ultimately needs to be released with proper professional support. References: Emerson,D. Hopper, E. Overcoming Trauma through yoga. Reclaiming your body. North Atlantic Books, California. http://kids health.org. Meek, J. The five klesha said-the roots of pain and suffering. Yoga times (accessed 5 Sept. 2017). Worsley, L. The Resilience Doughnut. The secrets of strong kids. Karres ,Sherin, E. Branstetter, R. The conscious parent’s guide to raising girls.